Fence

I wish I could roam free

Like the leaves that pass by

But still and lifeless am I

I make no noise, unless I’m opened

Steel and silver

Protecting the yard

And all within

The ball will not bounce into the street

The grass and flowers

Will not be stepped on

The children will be safe

Oh but how I wish

I could roam free with the leaves

The Exorcist, The Gerbil and The Flatulence

           Sometimes I feel just like a gerbil running around and around on his wheel. It just seems never ending.

            I was sitting in the living room the other day minding my own business. All of a sudden I had the worst flatulence anyone could ever have. I was farting every ten seconds. I couldn’t make it stop. It was the worst smelling thing you could imagine. It was a mixture of rotten eggs and beans. Each one was a new disgusting smell, rotting flesh and alcohol. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried going to the bathroom. It didn’t matter how hard I pushed, nothing came out, just more flatulence. I tried taking some Peptol Bismal, nothing worked. My boyfriend had to sleep on the couch. I couldn’t go to work. Dear God make it end please. I went to my doctor, but she couldn’t tell what was happening with me. I was sent to specialists. They couldn’t tell me what was wrong.

            My friends stopped hanging out with me. My daughter wouldn’t come near me. She kept saying “Mommy pooping” and would run away. This went on for months. Finally someone suggested that I go and see the priest of the local church. They had read somewhere that there are some demons that possess you and give you uncontrollable flatulence. I didn’t believe it, that can’t be true. A demon that gives you flatulence, it didn’t make sense. It was bad enough that I didn’t believe in demons in the first place, but to think they could give you gas. It was unthinkable. I wasn’t ready to go yet. Churches made me uncomfortable, I wasn’t a believer. I didn’t belong.

            My boyfriend had taken my daughter with him to a hotel. I hadn’t seen a human being in the longest time. All the doctor’s tests came back negative. I broke down and went to the church down the street. I waited in the priest’s office for twenty minutes. Imagine my surprise when he walked in and was not offended by the foul odor. He told me that he had dealt with this before. It was only once, since this was a rare form of possession. He would have to perform the exorcism at my house seeing as it was so personal. He would be there the next day with all the things he needed.

            I waited for him; I couldn’t believe this was happening. It was the weirdest thing I have ever heard of. How does this happen to someone?

The doorbell rang. There stood the priest with a bible, cross and holy water. I let him in; neither of us breathed a word. He motioned for me to go to the bedroom. He told me to take my clothes off and lay on the bed. He wanted me face down, on my stomach. I was a little thrown off by the request, but I did it anyway. I was afraid of this exorcist. What was he going to do to me? We never went over what was going to happen. He started speaking in Latin; I had no idea what he was saying. Then I felt the cold drops of holy water hit my ass, it stung a little. Then he started to massage my ass as he was yelling at the demon to leave me. Finally after what seemed like forever; a small gerbil crawled out of my ass. The flatulence stopped immediately. I have no idea how that gerbil got up there in the first place. I don’t understand how the doctors did not find him in there. I thanked the priest over and over again. Since that day I have become an avid churchgoer.